So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize