Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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