Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
