All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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