Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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