I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Randomize
