Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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