There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
