my soul wont recognize me after tonight
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
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