Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
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