I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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