He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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