i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
