I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
