Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
