I cannot find my penis.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
