i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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