Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
