TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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