Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
