Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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