We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
