my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
