why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
grandma shit on top of the toilet
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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