I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
