Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
