I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
