A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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