My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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