Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
