I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
