yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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