But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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