Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize