i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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