I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
