Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Vodka?
Forever.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
