Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
