the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
