Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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