Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
