my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
