The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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