i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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