I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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