Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
