A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
