Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
