But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
