Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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