She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
