She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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