Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
