Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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