I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
