i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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