My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
