he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Someone stole a lamp last night.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
