my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We're too hungover to prance.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
